Standing Outside the Kingdom

Metropolitan Anthony Bloom in his wonderful introduction to prayer, Beginning to Pray, insists that in order to begin to pray we must adopt the attitude of outsiders, of outcasts, of ones unworthy to enter among the righteous.  He goes so far as to say that we should consider ourselves outside the Kingdom of God, knocking at the door, who is Jesus Christ.  And it is this same Jesus Christ who is standing outside the door of our hearts knocking.  In fact, the door of our hearts and the door of the Kingdom are one and the same.  It's kind of like the door between two adjoining hotel rooms that has to be opened by each side at the same time.

On an intellectual level, however, I struggle with this advice.  I am a baptized, communing member of the Church.  How can I see myself as one outside the Kingdom God?

Yet on an existential level, on the level of my actual experience in prayer, I know His Eminence's advice to be bang on.  It seems that when I have had my nose rubbed in my weakness, sin and failure, when I am intensely aware of my unworthiness, unfaithfulness and inconsistency, it is then that my prayer, "Lord, have mercy!" has the most meaning, the most bite.  Somehow I experience the comfort of the Comforter.  Somehow, knowing I have allowed myself to move away from God, God in His mercy comes near me.

It is as if hearing the light tap of the Master at the door in my heart, I open the door and find both humiliation and Grace, both tears and joy, both fear and comfort.  

And then I look away.  My mind races after a thousand thoughts, thoughts from my past, thoughts about what if, thoughts about others, thoughts about my feelings, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.  And the door gently closes, as if in turning to my busyness, I forget about my Lord.  But the Faithful One continues to knock.

I usually don't notice that the door is closed right away.  I move on to my prayers.  I have my routine.  The words move from my mouth to the floor.  "What's wrong?" I ask myself.  "God, where have You gone?"  

Tap, tap, tap... 

Sometimes it takes a while.  Sometimes it takes a crisis to bring me to my senses.  Sometimes I just get lonely.  "Oh, my goodness!  I've turned away.  I don't even know the way back, back to my heart, back to the Door."  At times like this, regardless of my dogmatic understanding of theology, I know at some level I have left the Kingdom of Heaven.  I must beg for mercy.  I must hear again the gentle tapping of my Saviour to find my way back.  Only this will save me.

Tap, tap, tap...

Lord have mercy.  Lord have mercy.  Lord have mercy.

Tap, tap, tap...