The Grass Is Always Greener

In With Pain and Love for Contemporary Man, Elder Paisios says, “You must know that a hard-working man will prosper no matter what he does.  A hard-working family man would also make a good monk, and a hard-working monk would also make a good family man.”  The Elder says this in the context of a conversation he is having with his nuns toward the end of his life.  He is speaking about men and women who want to join a monastery because they “are too lazy to get married.”  

Marriage and the married life is a lot of work.  Monasticism and the monastic life is also a lot of work.  Whether in marriage or monasticism, the Christian life is work.  Certainly the specific work in marriage and in monasticism is somewhat different, but not nearly as different as most people think.  Monks have to wash dishes and clothes, vacuum rugs and do something to earn their daily bread.  Married people have to go to church services, say their prayers, fast and strive for holiness.  In both marriage and monasticism you have to get along with the people you live with, even as they change and grow in ways you did not expect.  You have to obey, you have to compromise, and you have to change and grow in ways you did not expect.  You never get everything you want (and sometimes none of what you want), and you can’t just be left alone.

Both marriage and monasticism are a life-long commitment to a relationship, or set of relationships, that is designed by God Himself to change you.  Both marriage and monasticism will make you like Jesus, if you are a “hard-working” person.  Yes, each has it’s advantages and disadvantages.  Yes, it is easier to focus on different kinds of work in one calling versus another.  A monk has more time to pray.  A layman has more opportunity to give alms. Etc. etc.  But to find salvation in either, one must give him or herself completely.  It is just as possible to be a selfish, ego-driven, addicted monk as it is to suffer such maladies as a married person.  Laziness leads to decay no matter where one finds oneself.  Similarly, there are many married people who are becoming saints (even if their names seldom make it into the synaxarion).  Many saintly monastics credit their spiritual life to the foundation laid by their saintly parents.

The grass is always greener somewhere else.  

I find encouragement in Elder Paisios’ words.  As a married person, I sometimes imagine how I might be different if I were a monk.  Probably those differences would be minor and mostly external.  The effort I put into my relationships (with God and others) as a married person is probably about the same as it would be if I were a monastic.  The willingness with which I repent and acknowledge my mistakes, and the peace and trust in God I manifest when I don’t get my way: these too would be the same whether I were a monk or a married person.  It seems to me that God is not limited by our circumstances.  We are the ones who limit what God can do in our lives.  

Whether married or single, in the world or in the cloister, God’s arm is not too short to save (as it says in Isaiah), but it is our sins that have made a separation.  The answer is usually not a change of venue, it is a change of heart, but that takes a lot of work.  

Dating non-Orthodox Christians

Single Orthodox Christians have no easy road before them, especially if they suspect that they will be married some day. For most of history and in a large but shrinking portion of the Orthodox world today, single people did not have to worry about who they would marry: someone else chose for them. In the best cases, the people involved had veto power; that is, neither one had to accept the match. But in some cases one or both had no choice. Now we live in a world in which Choice is God. We cannot imagine not choosing our own hair style, clothing and career path; much less not choosing our own spouse.
We vainly imagine this power of choice is the same as freedom, but if we have no basis on which to choose other than our subjective urges, transient likes and dislikes, and fantasies based on movies, novels and occasional glimpses at internet pornography, then choice is not freedom but bondage: bondage to the ideals of a sick culture and the passions of a fallen mind. But this is the reality many Orthodox Christians in North America and Europe today. Some lucky few have relationships with parents or spiritual mentors that are close enough and mature enough to provide some guidance and advice in the search for a mate. Most, however, are out on their own. Even if they do ask for advice or guidance from a priest or parent or other responsible person, many young people are merely seeking confirmation for what they already feel or think or lust for.
So this is where we start: one priest's dating guide for Orthodox Christians.
First, and this applies not only to dating, but to all friendships: Hang out with people you want to become like. This does not mean that you do not hang out with people who are not perfect; that’s ridiculous, no one is perfect. What it means is that you look for Christ-like virtues: kindness, gentleness, self control, faith, joy, etc. People with these qualities or who are seeking these qualities will help you develop these qualities. Now I am going to say something shocking: Orthodox Christians are not always the most Christ-like people you know. (I probably didn’t surprise anyone.) Good people are good people no matter where you find them. Hang out with good people and you will become a better person.
Second, don’t differentiate between “dating” and hanging out, at least not in the early and middle stages of a relationship that may be leading to marriage. That word, “dating,” has killed more potentially wonderful relationships than any other word in contemporary English. “Dating” is a cultural construct defined by popular culture, chiefly movies and TV. Generally the only difference between dating and hanging out is that if you're dating you are admitting that you are sexually attracted to one another—not the best way to begin a relationship that you hope will lead to the martyrdom of Orthodox Christian marriage. Unfortunately, our culture has taught us that sexual attraction is key to finding a suitable life partner; in fact for much of our culture, good sex is the highest form of transcendence conceivable. But let me state the obvious: this is not a Christian culture.
Christians are called to a life of repentance, a life in which Christ is God and my life is His. Sex, even “great” sex, is a normal part of life for married Christians; but, and here is the irony for our culture, great sex is the byproduct of Christ-like loving and giving in the context of a life-long relationship. Feeling sexually attracted to someone you hardly know is certainly no way to determine if someone will make a good wife or husband. A good marriage can never be based on how the other makes me feel. Good marriage is based on my caring for and loving the other, even when it doesn’t always feel good to me.
Third, religion matters. Above I said that good people are good people no matter where you find them, but if you begin to think you might want to spend the rest of your life raising children with someone, then religion is very important. For most people, when things are going well religion is not a very important part of their life (no matter how strenuously they protest that it is). When we feel like things are going well, and nothing feels better than being in love, God drifts to the background, and we basically ignore God. I’m not making this up. Read Deuteronomy 32 sometime. It records the common experience of God’s people: when things are going good (when we “grow fat”) we ignore God. However, marriage, as many have observed, is the remedy for falling in love. Once a man and woman begin the hard work of sharing their lives together, God becomes much more important in their lives. I am not saying that marriage is all work and drudgery. No, not at all. The most wonderful, wonderful gift God has given me is my wife and children; however, marriage has also driven me to my knees again and again. When a couple do not share the same faith and same religious commitment, then when the going gets tough, where do they go for help?
The Orthodox Church allows marriages between Orthodox Christians and other Christians (not non-Christians). The main stipulation is that the couple agree to raise the children Orthodox. This allowance for mixed marriage, however, can be easily misunderstood in our modern world of choosing what’s right for me. This allowance did not have in mind an Orthodox boy choosing a Baptist girl because she’s hot. This allowance came to be in a world in which children were often promised in marriage before they were three years old. They had no choice; and so the church made allowance for the reality of a culture in which a man or woman could not choose his or her spouse. But we have a choice.
Young people, my daughters included, often say that there are no good candidates among the Orthodox Christians they know. I understand this problem. Often Orthodox Christian churches are small and choices are limited. Therefore, if you’re serious about finding and Orthodox Christian spouse, you need to get out and get involved in Orthodox projects, conferences and activities outside your little parish. Organize retreats, participate in diocesan, mission or service organizations, visit monasteries (you never know who else might be visiting), rent a van and crash a archdiocesan convention with seven of your buddies splitting the cost of the room. Be creative.
Let me sum up. It is not a good idea to date non-Orthodox Christians because it is not a good idea to date anyone. It is a good idea to have lots of friends, to learn how to be kind, generous, loving, patient and joyful by hanging out with people who encourage you to be more like Christ. If you suspect that a particular friend may indeed be someone with whom you could spend your life, then enquire if he/she suspects the same thing. If you are too shy to ask directly, then ask a trusted third person to make enquiries for you. Since you are already friends, you can skip the dating thing. You can now continue to be friends discerning together and with your priest(s), parents, and other trusted friends whether or not you are indeed right for each other.