More Greener Grass

The Green Shift Phenomenon

In my last post, I spoke of two options for Christian living.  These options, marriage or monasticism, are the dominant options throughout most of Christian history—but not the only options.  In the past twenty years in North America (and a little longer in Western Europe), there has been a dramatic rise in the average age for first marriage, a divorce rate that has hovered around 50% and, outside the Orthodox world, a noticeable increase in the number of monasteries that are closing down.  Although Orthodox monasticism has seen somewhat of a revival over the past fifty years, still the relative number of Orthodox monasteries outside traditionally Orthodox countries is very small compared to the growing number of Orthodox Christians outside these lands.

This confluence of trends has lead to a large number of single Christian adults who do not live in marriage relationships or in monasteries.  I think we might group these single Christians in the following way: 
Those who are living a profligate lifestyle.
Those who are striving to live a holy life.
I know these are rough categorizations, but I choose them because looking at things this way will help me say what I want to say.  

First off, there are many Christians who are living a profligate lifestyle.  The religious sensibilities of our contemporary North American culture teach us that religion is merely a matter of feeling, of the “heart,” or of “faith.”  Particularly, this culture teaches that one’s sexual practices are irrelevant to spiritual or religious life.  If one is a good person (by the culture’s standards) and believes sincerely in and practices some religion or spirituality, that is good enough. In many ways, today’s culture is like the pagan world into which Christianity first entered.  At that time, like today, sexuality was largely irrelevant to spirituality, and in some cases, extra-marital sexuality was encouraged as an expression of religious devotion.  

However in at least one significant way, the religious climate today is much different from the religious climate of the Mediterranean world of 2000 years ago into which Christianity first entered.  Our world is a “post-Christian” world.  Culturally speaking, Christ and His message is well known, but disguised under layer after layer of badly remembered and selectively retold western history.  Everyone knows the name “Christ,” but very few associate it with anything life-giving.  Even those who believe in Christ, who look to Him for salvation, who are baptized and who have some devotion to the Church, even these no longer take the hierarchy of the Church seriously and have largely accepted a culturally reimagined version of Christ: a nice-guy deity, interested mostly in how I as an individual feel about things.  

This, of course, is a far cry from Christ, the God who became human to transfigure human nature into the divine image from which it fell of old in Paradise.  Yet very many Christians today, many Orthodox Christians, do not know this Christ.  They know only the culturally acceptable christ of their imagination. And so they are lost in their own confusion and passions thinking that they follow Christ. And for these, we must pray.  They are like those who have received an inoculation.  They have taken just enough dead virus to put them on the defence against the real.  The false Christ that they have come to know, blinds their eyes and deadens their ears to the real.  

And yet, there is hope for these.  As God brought the Prodigal Son to his senses and as Jesus caught the attention of the Samaritan Woman at the well, so it is not too late for these profligate Christians to repent.  However, more words are not what they need.  They need to be touched by God in some way that God knows will get their attention.  For this we pray.  And for this we love and suffer.  Cornelius, the centurion at the Cross, came to his senses watching Christ die.  How many may come to their senses watching you and I die daily and loving, as Christ did, to the end?  May God help us.

And what is the case for single Christians living a profligate life in the world, is the case also for married people or monastics living a profligate life.  (It may seem strange to those who don’t know many or any monks, but have mostly just read about them, for me to say “profligate monastics.”  But I know from first and second hand experience that there are such monks.  And why should that surprise us?  Nothing magic happens at tonsure.  The flesh and the devil must be resisted in the monastery as in the world.  Even Elder Prophyrios, raised from boyhood on the Holy Mountain of Athos, says in his biography that his elder warned him not to speak to monks whom he happened to meet on his way somewhere, for there are many wicked men even on the Holy Mountain.)

OK, let's now take a look at the other category: those single people striving to live a holy life in the world. For those who are striving to live a holy life but are not in a monastery or in marriage, there are also many precedents.  Consider that before there was any monasticism, there were holy men and women who were not married but were striving to live a holy life.  In fact, this is the beginning of monasticism.  These single Christians striving to be holy often grouped together in houses to encourage and strengthen one another (and pool expenses too, probably).  Sometimes a particularly holy and gifted old man or woman would find younger people gathering around him or her.  And very occasionally, St. Pacomius comes to mind as an example, an angel or a departed saint would instruct someone to build a larger place to accommodate those who were seeking salvation in the single life ( by the way, that’s what the “mono” of monasticism means, single).  

I used to think North America needed more monasteries right away.  Now I do not.  I think North America needs more holy men and women.  Monasteries are institutions.  Having more institutions is not the answer.  However, as single men and women strive to become more like Christ, then houses and perhaps institutions will form to encourage that holy striving.  

I am not against Greek or Russian or Serbian or Arabic monasteries transplanting to North America.  Perhaps in a few generations, these will indeed become indigenous centres of holy living.  What I am against, however, is the assumption I find in so many that in order for a single person to strive for holiness, he or she has to be a tonsured monk.  From what I have seen in North American monasteries and in single life in the world, if one is willing, a person can keep a very strict life of prayer and asceticism in the world—a life perhaps more prayerful and ascetic than is lived in many monasteries.  It really is a matter of what one wants.  

I want to hasten to add that we are not all called to be like St. Pacomius or St. Anthony, or any other saint for that matter.  We are each called with our own strengths and weaknesses, talents and foibles to become as holy as possible where we are right now.  There are, as the Scripture says, five talent, two talent and one talent Christians.  We do not all have the same measure of Grace, the same calling, the same gifts.  However, what we can all do is to take that little measure of Grace we do have and use it where we are now.  Any single person, if he or she goes to bed at a reasonable hour, can get up early and say prayers.  She or he can make attendance at Church services a priority, can throw away the TV and shut off the internet, can read books on the spiritual life, and can seek advice from people who seem to have the Grace to help.  Again, it really is a matter of what one wants.  Starting where we are, we take our one talent of Grace, our small offering, our little faith, and use it.  And as we use it, humbly and with whatever guidance our spiritual mothers and fathers can provide, God will see to it that it grows.  

Whether or not you or any particular single person ever becomes a monk, whether a house or institution of men or women ever comes out of our striving—that is a matter of God's calling and Grace.  It is a matter of many things over which you or I have no control.  However, what we do have some control over is whether or not I will pray today, whether or not I will go to bed on time tonight, and whether or not holiness is a priority that I am striving for.

  

Dating non-Orthodox Christians

Single Orthodox Christians have no easy road before them, especially if they suspect that they will be married some day. For most of history and in a large but shrinking portion of the Orthodox world today, single people did not have to worry about who they would marry: someone else chose for them. In the best cases, the people involved had veto power; that is, neither one had to accept the match. But in some cases one or both had no choice. Now we live in a world in which Choice is God. We cannot imagine not choosing our own hair style, clothing and career path; much less not choosing our own spouse.
We vainly imagine this power of choice is the same as freedom, but if we have no basis on which to choose other than our subjective urges, transient likes and dislikes, and fantasies based on movies, novels and occasional glimpses at internet pornography, then choice is not freedom but bondage: bondage to the ideals of a sick culture and the passions of a fallen mind. But this is the reality many Orthodox Christians in North America and Europe today. Some lucky few have relationships with parents or spiritual mentors that are close enough and mature enough to provide some guidance and advice in the search for a mate. Most, however, are out on their own. Even if they do ask for advice or guidance from a priest or parent or other responsible person, many young people are merely seeking confirmation for what they already feel or think or lust for.
So this is where we start: one priest's dating guide for Orthodox Christians.
First, and this applies not only to dating, but to all friendships: Hang out with people you want to become like. This does not mean that you do not hang out with people who are not perfect; that’s ridiculous, no one is perfect. What it means is that you look for Christ-like virtues: kindness, gentleness, self control, faith, joy, etc. People with these qualities or who are seeking these qualities will help you develop these qualities. Now I am going to say something shocking: Orthodox Christians are not always the most Christ-like people you know. (I probably didn’t surprise anyone.) Good people are good people no matter where you find them. Hang out with good people and you will become a better person.
Second, don’t differentiate between “dating” and hanging out, at least not in the early and middle stages of a relationship that may be leading to marriage. That word, “dating,” has killed more potentially wonderful relationships than any other word in contemporary English. “Dating” is a cultural construct defined by popular culture, chiefly movies and TV. Generally the only difference between dating and hanging out is that if you're dating you are admitting that you are sexually attracted to one another—not the best way to begin a relationship that you hope will lead to the martyrdom of Orthodox Christian marriage. Unfortunately, our culture has taught us that sexual attraction is key to finding a suitable life partner; in fact for much of our culture, good sex is the highest form of transcendence conceivable. But let me state the obvious: this is not a Christian culture.
Christians are called to a life of repentance, a life in which Christ is God and my life is His. Sex, even “great” sex, is a normal part of life for married Christians; but, and here is the irony for our culture, great sex is the byproduct of Christ-like loving and giving in the context of a life-long relationship. Feeling sexually attracted to someone you hardly know is certainly no way to determine if someone will make a good wife or husband. A good marriage can never be based on how the other makes me feel. Good marriage is based on my caring for and loving the other, even when it doesn’t always feel good to me.
Third, religion matters. Above I said that good people are good people no matter where you find them, but if you begin to think you might want to spend the rest of your life raising children with someone, then religion is very important. For most people, when things are going well religion is not a very important part of their life (no matter how strenuously they protest that it is). When we feel like things are going well, and nothing feels better than being in love, God drifts to the background, and we basically ignore God. I’m not making this up. Read Deuteronomy 32 sometime. It records the common experience of God’s people: when things are going good (when we “grow fat”) we ignore God. However, marriage, as many have observed, is the remedy for falling in love. Once a man and woman begin the hard work of sharing their lives together, God becomes much more important in their lives. I am not saying that marriage is all work and drudgery. No, not at all. The most wonderful, wonderful gift God has given me is my wife and children; however, marriage has also driven me to my knees again and again. When a couple do not share the same faith and same religious commitment, then when the going gets tough, where do they go for help?
The Orthodox Church allows marriages between Orthodox Christians and other Christians (not non-Christians). The main stipulation is that the couple agree to raise the children Orthodox. This allowance for mixed marriage, however, can be easily misunderstood in our modern world of choosing what’s right for me. This allowance did not have in mind an Orthodox boy choosing a Baptist girl because she’s hot. This allowance came to be in a world in which children were often promised in marriage before they were three years old. They had no choice; and so the church made allowance for the reality of a culture in which a man or woman could not choose his or her spouse. But we have a choice.
Young people, my daughters included, often say that there are no good candidates among the Orthodox Christians they know. I understand this problem. Often Orthodox Christian churches are small and choices are limited. Therefore, if you’re serious about finding and Orthodox Christian spouse, you need to get out and get involved in Orthodox projects, conferences and activities outside your little parish. Organize retreats, participate in diocesan, mission or service organizations, visit monasteries (you never know who else might be visiting), rent a van and crash a archdiocesan convention with seven of your buddies splitting the cost of the room. Be creative.
Let me sum up. It is not a good idea to date non-Orthodox Christians because it is not a good idea to date anyone. It is a good idea to have lots of friends, to learn how to be kind, generous, loving, patient and joyful by hanging out with people who encourage you to be more like Christ. If you suspect that a particular friend may indeed be someone with whom you could spend your life, then enquire if he/she suspects the same thing. If you are too shy to ask directly, then ask a trusted third person to make enquiries for you. Since you are already friends, you can skip the dating thing. You can now continue to be friends discerning together and with your priest(s), parents, and other trusted friends whether or not you are indeed right for each other.